I’ve had really mixed emotions about making this post, but finally decided to say something.

Finally decided to say something now because just in the last couple of weeks I’ve had at least  FOUR different incidents where folks have sorta tentatively said something like “looks like you’ve lost a lot of weight”, and then they’ll hesitatingly ask me “is everything ok?”   This has happened both with people I see regularly, and with some I haven’t seen in some time.   A best friend pointed out to me that if I’ve had that many people actually ask, it’s at least *possible* that I’ve had a lot of others who noticed and simply didn’t think it appropriate to say anything.

So let me say clearly:   I’m ok.

The pictures below are from a few years ago (left) and from a couple days ago (right).   I’m amazed at how different my face looks.   I’m now wearing pants that are TEN INCHES less in waist size than I was wearing about a year ago.  And a suit jacket size that is at least 6 or 8 inches chest size smaller. Shirt size is 2 inches (or more) neck-size smaller. So yes, I’ve been wearing out the sales buying new clothes.  And I’ve given a BUNCH of nice pants/shirts to the thrift store.

Yes, I’ve lost a lot of weight. I don’t know for sure how heavy I was at my peak. But it was far too heavy.  I do know for sure I’ve lost over 80 pounds. Maybe over 90?  Probably over 90.   The number on the scale this morning was the lowest I’ve seen in forever.  Pretty sure I weigh less now than I did in 1983 when I got married.

Now, this loss obviously didn’t happen overnight, just as the weight gain didn’t happen overnight.   I’ve lost it over perhaps 15 to 18 months or more?  I’m around 6′-3″, so I can carry some weight … but I was just far too heavy.   I’ve seen group photos taken at disability community events in the last few years where I was like, “Geez.  I look like a giant compared to everyone else.”

I’m not on a “diet”, or any particular kind of regimen. I know me, and I KNOW that any kind of “plan” or “program” would be a miserable failure. That’s not me.  So I’m just trying to be smart about what, when, and how much I eat. And exercise. I’ve been trying to do some “work” of some kind anywhere from 4 to 7 times per week …. trying to do at least a few miles per day on either the treadmill or recumbent bike, and a few other things.  Yikes.  How did this happen?    Actually, I’d missed a few days in a row recently …. but last night got back on it again, and it felt really good just getting out a few miles.  (Who am I?  This isn’t “me”.  Hmmm.)    Mostly just trying to be active, getting my heart-rate up, and sweating some.  With some good tunes in my ears.  Makes me feel better. Lord knows feeling better is something I’ve needed.

I was never a runner, nor will I ever be.

If you see me running, you better run too, because some kind of bad juju is coming up fast behind me.

You know that food and cooking and eating tasty things either at home or out on the road has been a big deal for me. Still is.  In some ways now more than ever.  I’m actually finding real joy in cooking again, planning meals and shopping for them again too. But (I think) the days of stopping on the way home to get a stress-induced double cheeseburger or a couple of street tacos or whatever… are behind me. Stopping and doing that, THEN going home and making supper. I was doing that a lot.   A lot.  And then too often, I’d have a bowl of ice cream or buttered popcorn late in the evening, or a bowl of cereal before bedtime.  Stupid.  Just plain stupid.  Self-medicating with food.    I’m simply not doing that at all.

These days I eat pretty much whatever I want…. with a keen eye to trying to be really, really smart about what, when, and how much.   And balanced.  If I have a big meal one day, I’ll at least try to balance it with a healthy salad next meal.  And I’m loving my very delicious and healthy smoothie almost every morning.   Not nearly so many Cracker Barrel breakfasts or drive-through sausage biscuits.   I don’t do fast-food.  Not crazy militant about it, I just don’t care for it.  I had a fast-food sandwich recently because I was in a rush, and felt like crap all afternoon afterwards.    I don’t do soft-drinks, other than just once in a blue moon.  Don’t have a taste or a craving for them.   Now, there ARE some things that cry-out for accompanying carbonation.  But my indulgences there are few and far between.   A really good Root Beer now and then (Virgil’s, or Bundaberg) is a real treat.

I’m going to be the first to tell you that the “Rate” of my weight loss seems to be faster than the “Effort” I’m devoting to it should account for.    That did cause me some concern.  But I do regularly see my doctor, a guy I really trust and have seen for over 30 years.  I asked him about it in December, and after the blood-work and other evaluation, he’s happy with what’s going on.  And no tests (so far) have shown anything too out of whack for a guy my age.

Here’s where the “mixed emotions” comes in.   Please, know that I am NOT looking for pats on the back or “attaboys”. Really I’m not.    So don’t.    Actually, I really kinda just don’t want them.   I’m just a little tired of the tentative “are you ok?” questions.

I want to be around for a long time.

In many ways I feel better about my life and the love that surrounds me than I have felt in a long, long time.

Let me say that again….  “I feel better about my life and the love that surrounds me than I have felt in a long, long time.”

There are specific and personal reasons for this that go beyond the weight loss.   Yes, I do still get in a major funk from time to time. Probably more than I should.  But when it happens, I usually …. usually…..  know the reasons.  And I do know that, largely, they lie outside of my control. And that helps.  It doesn’t fix things.  But it helps. I know it’s pointless to worry about things beyond my control.   But most importantly, I’m not self-medicating with cheeseburgers, tacos, sausage biscuits, and obsessing over big steaks.

I do have periods of nuclear swirl. You too, I bet?

It’s ok.  We all do.

The important thing is not the swirl itself, but what it leads you to.  Do I let it get my psyche circling the drain?  Not so much….  I’m getting better at choosing to be intentional about my reaction to the dark times, and NOT start that circling.  Like the Slaid Cleaves song says, “Will your darkest hour write a blank check on your soul??”   Nope.     So I think I am learning, after more than six decades of life, how to ride it out, deal with it, honor it for what it is, and see it through to the other side.  And the “other side” is always better.  Some people are slow learners.

But for the most part things are really good in my head and in my heart.

Really good.

And for those of you who have played a part in that let me just say that I love you.

– SSS