My mother-in-law, Janet’s mom, passed away in the early morning hours of December 5, 2019.  Though she had been in hospice care for a full year, the end was really remarkably quick and peaceful and merciful, and for that we are grateful.  Just as I had made remarks at my own dad’s funeral and later at my father-in-law’s funeral, I spoke at June’s service as well. It was my honor to do so.   Following is the text I prepared for those remarks.

June Pearl Esmon …. Born June Pearl Shouse.     Wait a minute ….  Shouse?     As we pause to remember June here this morning, I probably need to tell this story that I’ve already told at least a few times in the last several days.    Yes, my mother-in-law’s maiden name is the same as mine.   And not a common name either, like “Smith” or “Jones”, but a peculiar, Germanic sounding name …. Shouse.

Back in 1977 when Janet and I first met, she told me that her mother’s maiden name was Shouse.   I hardly believed her, because the ONLY Shouses I knew were those in my own family…  My grandpa Shouse and his brothers.  When she insisted that she was “a Shouse”, I accused her of picking me out of the phone book.   Still not sure that she didn’t.

I did not know that in parts of Tennessee …. Maury County and Hickman County in particular … the name Shouse was relatively common.    So, we initially just chalked it up to coincidence.    Many years later, with the advent of tools like Ancestry.com and the popularity of amateur genealogy efforts, did we learn the truth.

In 1736, a German miller named Johann Adam Schauss …. S-C-H-A-U-S-S … along with his wife Maria and their two sons Freiderich and Phillip left Europe and sailed from Rotterdam to the New World.  They landed at the port of Philadelphia, and settled a short distance north in Easton PA.

Phillip, as an adult, moved south and his descendants eventually settled mostly in North Carolina. Friederich stayed in Easton, and like his father became a miller. They both also changed the last name, as so many immigrant families did, to a more “American” sort of spelling.  Shouse. My lineage of the Shouse family is directly descended from Friederich, through his son Jacob, who was born in Easton in September of 1764.  Phillip’s North Carolina branch of the Shouse family eventually began moving west, settling in TN, and June (and of course, Janet) is descended from that branch.

So yes, Janet and I are true “kissing cousins”.   We are seventh cousins.  Johann was our Great great great great great great great grandfather.

June’s mom and dad, shortly after they married, moved from Tennessee to Southern Illinois and settled eventually in the little town of Bluford, just outside of Mount Vernon.   June was born in 1927 to Earl and Grace Shouse, their only child.

She met Lloyd … a lanky, handsome, athletic boy with an unruly shock of red hair (and a bit of a temper) who was one grade behind her in school.    Lloyd was the “double cousin” of a girl in June’s class, Vivian Esmon.    What’s a “double cousin”?  (You didn’t know you were going to get a genealogy lesson today, did you?)    A “double cousin” is what happens when two brothers marry two sisters.   The resulting children of each respective marriage are cousins, of course…. But cousins on BOTH their mother’s side of the family AND their father’s side of the family ….   “double cousins”.   Lloyd’s dad and Vivian’s dad were brothers, and their moms were sisters. Lloyd always felt Vivian was more like a sister than a cousin. They were very close through Lloyd’s whole life.    And Lloyd’s sister Maxine, whom June lovingly called “Max” in her little diary was also one of June’s friends.

Now, I’ve got to say something right here.   And I don’t want anyone to mis-understand what I’m saying.  Because I loved my mother-in-law, and I knew … I KNEW ….  that in her best moments she was an intelligent, well-spoken, engaging woman with a sense of humor.   And I could see the love that she had for Lloyd and for her family and her grandkids.    BUT … after Lloyd’s passing and particularly in the last few days, I have grown to a new appreciation of what an utterly remarkable, strong, funny young woman she was.  And that was at a time when young women were mostly NOT encouraged to be remarkable, and strong, and funny.

For those of you …. Most in this room ….. that knew Lloyd and June over the last few decades, you know how much of a “force of nature” Lloyd could be at times.   So it was an easy observation to see June somehow as being in Lloyd’s shadow.   To think of her as a bit timid or quiet.  She was anything but.  So, I’d like to paint a different picture of June.  A side that some of you may be surprised by.

After Lloyd passed away in April of 2018, and we began going through all of Lloyd and June’s things in preparation for her eventual move to the nursing-home facility at the Meadows  we found a number of their high-school yearbooks.   As it turns out, Lloyd was likely a good student, but he wasn’t apparently very interested in getting involved in student issues or extra-curricular activities.  Basketball.  That was about it.    On the other hand, June was quite a popular and involved young lady!   She was on the Student Council at least couple of years in High School including her Senior year. She was the Secretary of the Sophomore Class, and Vice President of both the Junior Class and Senior Class.  She was on the Yearbook staff , and the student Newspaper. She was an officer in the Girls Athletic Association. She played saxophone in the marching band, and the list goes on.  In her senior yearbook, she had one of the longest lists of involvements of any of the students.   Now, it’s true that Senior year there were only 6 students, all girls … being a very small town … and many of the boys having already gone off to WWII or to work on the Railroad.     Nevertheless, June was extraordinarily involved and a bright student.

June went off to Southern Illinois University in Carbondale, leaving Lloyd back in Bluford to finish his senior year in high school.    Yet, they remained connected and we have at least one picture of Lloyd visiting June there in Carbondale.

They were married in Bluford on April 11th 1948, and began their married life living in an upstairs bedroom of June’s parent’s house, that they had fixed up in the days and weeks before the wedding.

Now, our daughter Emma shared with me a little pocket diary that June kept from 1948, it’s truly amazing to read her short 1 or 2-sentence entries that she diligently wrote down each day.  So many of the entries end with “had a good time”.   During this time June’s dad Earl was in a TB Sanitarium in St. Louis, and times were very hard and lean for June and her mom, Grace.   June worked at National Auto Parts in Mt. Vernon to help her mom make ends meet.

I want to share some entries here, so you can get a sense of the remarkable young woman June was…..

• From Monday January 5^th:  Went to work, bought a bible, Max came up and washed my hair for me.  I took her to Play Practice.
• From Saturday January 10^th:  Met Max, Libby (Lloyd’s mom) and Lloyd in town.  Libby and Max and I went to the show. Saw “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty”.  It was good.  Went skating with Lloyd.Skating.”Skating” … That’s roller-skating.   Lloyd and June as kids, and later as a young married couple were excellent roller-skater.    Seriously, several times a week there’s an entry that says “Went skating with Lloyd, had a good time.”     I wondered about this.    Then it hit me.   As a good Church of Christ girl in the 1940’s, June knew that dancing was a sin.   But put wheels on those feet, and suddenly all is ok!
• From Sunday February 8^th:  Lloyd came up and we went down to his folks for dinner. Went to the show. Saw “You were Meant for Me”.
• From Monday, February 9^th:  Didn’t do anything.  Messed around. Nadine came over and we looked at Movie Magazines.  Lloyd called, went to bed early.
• From Saturday February 14^th.  Came home from work about noon. Lloyd came out. He brought me a pretty valentine. Went down to his house for dinner, and listened to the radio with his folks.
• Wednesday March 3^th:  Got a new coat, a new blouse, and a new dress. Max washed my hair.  Went skating and won a prize for being the best dressed.  Had a good time.
• Sunday March 14^th:  Went to church with Gatley’s.  I was baptized at 3:30 pm.  Lloyd and his folks took me in.  Max washed my hair.
• Thursday March 18^th:  Played Basketball.  Some of us girls played the High School girls. Lloyd and I listened to the state tournament on the radio.
• Friday March 26^th (getting close to wedding day):  Lloyd and his granddad built a closet upstairs for us. Mother and I fixed the blinds for the bedroom, went to bed pretty early.
• Monday March 29^th::  Seen about my cake.   Lloyd came up and painted.  I got Lloyd’s ring. It is awful pretty.
• Saturday April 3^rd:   Worked till noon, Lloyd met me and we went to Mitchell’s and bought a mattress and rug.  I worked upstairs, then Lloyd and I went skating. It was fun.
• Monday April 5^th.  Lloyd came to town and bought his suit.   I went along and picked it out.  He and Max came out to the house, and we moved my things upstairs.
• Saturday April 10^th.  The gang at the National had a party for me.  Gave me a GE Iron and Iron and Ironing board.  Max and Lloyd and I picked up the punch bowl and the cake.
• Sunday April 11^th.  Went to church.  Lloyd met me there.  We were married at 2:30 by brother Gould. We had a reception at the house at 3:30,  It rained all day.  Went down to Libby’s for supper.
• Monday April 12^th:   Lloyd called into work at 8:00am.  Went to town with his mother and got a mirror from Mitchell’s.  Bought some records.
• Friday April 16^th:    Lloyd and I didn’t get up very early.  We had a chivaree.  There was a big crowd here. They threw Lloyd in the lake.

It’s really just priceless reading these entries and gaining a vision for the life that Lloyd and June began to build together as newlyweds.   I love that so many of them end with “it was fun”, or “had a good time”.

Lloyd finished his schooling and became a high school principal there in Webber Township where Bluford is located.    Dwight was born in 1950, and Janet in 1959.   A couple of years later, Lloyd left education and went to work for the ANPA in New York city, and the young family left their familiar Bluford roots and moved to New Jersey, where June became a housewife to a businessman that commuted each day from the suburbs into the big city.   A move to Miami a few years later, where Lloyd worked for the Miami Herald, and then to Nashville in 1969 where Lloyd and June and Janet would settle in Bellevue and become members of the Bellevue Church of Christ, just a little over a year after that congregation’s founding.   Dwight was in college at SIU Carbondale.

June was diagnosed with what was then called manic depression in 1971. June was always very open about her mental health struggles, and friends would sometimes seek her out when they or a loved one were dealing with depression or what is now known as bipolar disorder to seek advice or talk about issues that she’d experienced over the years.  And this was at a time when mental health issues were often kept quiet in families, and not often talked about openly.

When we were cleaning out their condo at the Meadows as June was preparing to move into the nursing home, we found dozens and dozens of books about depression and mental health, dating from shortly after the time of June’s treatment, in which she had highlighted passages, made notes in the margins, or tucked away hand-written notes.  Some of these had reminders to “share with” someone in particular.    It was obvious she took the notion of learning and “paying it forward” very seriously.

When Janet brought me home from college at Missouri, I think Lloyd accepted me into the family maybe a bit before June did.   For a long time, she referred to me in the third person.    At the dinner table, she’d look at Janet and ask, for example, “Does John want more green beans?”.   Janet would laugh Janet’s signature laugh and say, “I don’t know, mom.  Why don’t you ask him?”    I’d smile and play along.  “Yes, John WOULD like more green beans”.     This became a running joke.    June did grow to accept me though, and we had as good a son-in-law mother-in-law relationship as I could have hoped for.   She and Lloyd were extraordinarily kind to Janet and I, and helpful when our kids came along.  We loved spending time together with them.

I was struggling for how I might adequately characterize the kind of grandmother June was, when my daughter Emma solved that for me by writing the most remarkable tribute the other day.   She asked me to read it, because this is truly a deeply emotional moment for our kids, who loved “Mimi June” unconditionally.   So these are Emma’s words:

Truly some of my very favorite and earliest memories are my Friday nights I’d spend at Mimi and Grandpa’s house. At the old house.  From the time I was little I had just the best routine with Mimi – some of it even carried over into when I was older and would spend the night at their new house. I LOVED looking through her things – she had so many more “lady” things than Mom did and it all seemed so fancy and sophisticated and from another era. While she was doing things in the kitchen, with her permission I would have the best time testing out her makeup, trying on her jewelry and scarves and dresses, looking through her boxes of photos and mementos. She’d call me “Digger O’Dell” and sweetly scold me to put everything back in its proper place. I was so spoiled – I had my own bedroom in my mom’s old room in their house but I can barely remember sleeping there ever. I always slept in Mimi’s bed with her. I don’t think it was because I was scared to sleep alone – I just loved spending time with her. Once she’d finish in the kitchen with whatever needed to be done, Little Emma and Mimi would watch TV together in her bedroom as she got ready for bed. 20/20 with Barbara Walters and all the ABC shows of “TGIF” like Family Matters, Sabrina the Teenage Witch and Full House. We’d get in her bed together, say our prayers out loud, and then fall asleep to a cassette tape of her favorite hymns. I LOVED these nights so very much.

Mimi and Grandpa’s marriage is so very sweet to me now, being married myself. I always thought it was so funny and sweet and weird how they would poke fun at each other, push each other’s buttons – but there was never any doubt that they were devoted to one another, and would do ANYTHING for each other. I hope TJ and I still have so much fun and love and humor in each other’s idiosyncrasies when we have been married 70 years.

After Grandpa died, Mimi was a lot less happy for a whole lot of reasons. But I was still frequently amazed and delighted when I saw her on a good day and she would deliver cutting and smart remarks about politics which I had never heard her do (a few months ago CNN was on and she told “That Trump – he’s such a butt” and I died laughing and told everyone I knew that my Mimi had said that!) and sharp and sweet recollections from her childhood and history with Grandpa. I really loved hearing those stories from her – I don’t recall Grandpa talking much about his childhood or adolescence or own life really. But she was willing to share a lot about what she remembered about her own life.

She was one of the sweetest and most persnickety people I’ve ever met – one of a kind and made me laugh a lot, sometimes on purpose and often not – and I’m so grateful she loved me so much and I got to know her for 30 of what I think were her best years.

Thanks Emma.  That was beautiful.  There’s not much that I can or would choose add to that.

She had a similarly close and wonderful and powerful relationship through the years with Brendan.   And she loved Evan too … and worked diligently reading books and articles on autism so as to understand him better and what our family life might be like.   She loved him so much that she kept him and our family on the prayer list at the Bellevue Church for well over a decade.

She and Lloyd, of course, made it to 70 years of marriage.  Remarkable.   And shortly after his passing we realized it had become necessary for her to move up to the nursing home at the meadows.  But she stayed alert and lucid and engaged on most of our visits out there several times per week, right up until the end.

Our lives will be very different without her presence.   But the comfort of experiencing and seeing her life well-lived, for over 92 years right up until the end, is something we all will always cherish and learn from.

I don’t suspect Janet and I will be buying roller-skates any time soon.

But to end so many of the entries in our own daily diaries (or Facebook posts) with “had a good time” is something we can all aspire to.

 

–  John

I also want to add here as a postscript, something that Emma wrote about her brother Evan and about her taking the loving care to inform him about his Mimi June’s death and what the funeral, etc., would look like. And about his being a comfort to her.   I had this out on Facebook, but posting it here will help ensure that it’s easily findable in the future…. and it is SO worth sharing.

From Emma:

I originally posted a version of this in a group for siblings of folks with disabilities but – my friend group is wider than that … and even those of you I know from the disability community may not know much about who my autistic brother Evan really is, and I want more folks to know and love Evan and people like him. People who have beautiful and funny and endearing gifts that are sometimes hard to see unless you invest some time and care and energy.

My grandmother passed away at the end of last week. That day, I went out to let one of my two brothers – Evan – know about it. Evan has autism and significant communication and behavior challenges, and lives in supported living with 24/7 staff. It was clear when I told him that she had died that he understood (she had been ill and in declining health for a long time; but we are all still sad as we grew up close to her and our grandfather, her husband – they were wonderful people). He made a brief sad expression, covered his eyes, and reached out to touch my arm. By typing on my laptop, I described what the visitation and funeral would be like and asked him if he wanted to go, while also saying it was his choice and he did not have to come if he did not want to. He typed “yes” to say he did want to go to both services. He did so well during both occasions (though there was a HILARIOUS moment where he completely and loudly destroyed a plastic water bottle during a quiet family-only prayer by the preacher 😂 – which, honestly, was a welcome bit of humor for me.)

During the funeral, he sat next to me – I was clearly sad, and crying a bit – and throughout the entire service he kept holding my hand and putting his arm around me and leaning his head against mine. He sat through the service, perfectly quiet and calm – and helped ME feel calm and less sad. ❤️

So often, people underestimate Evan and people like him. People talk about how people with autism or other significant disabilities don’t have the ability to fully understand feelings or empathy or social cues. They only talk about what support people with disabilities need – and not the gifts and strengths our loved ones with disabilities have to offer us, and the support they give us – the reciprocal roles of every family. My autistic “nonverbal” brother with a label of intellectual disability – who, unfortunately, very few people take seriously as an adult with something valuable to offer – made my grief easier … with no words at all, just by being present and aware. He continually amazes me with his emotional intelligence and empathy – skills we all can benefit from learning. I wish more people in our communities appreciated the real gifts folks like Evan have to offer – not as an act of charity or kindness, but because our community is richer when everyone is able to be at the table to contribute.